More Humor

Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

~ I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

~ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

~ I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

~ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

~ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

~ A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

~ You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

~ Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

~ You're never too old to learn something stupid.

~ To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

~ Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

~ Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

~ A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

~ Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

~ I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

~ When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.