Humor

A little humor – high quality puns.

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who
you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers.. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across
sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so
bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California
This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
you don't need enemas."

Be still and know

From the SOM (Science of Mind Magazine) reading for today, by Kathy Juline.

“To be still is to be conscious without thought. You are never more essentially, more deeply yourself than when you are still.” – Eckhart Tolle

If my mind or yours, is preoccupied with worry or we feel burdened with problems, this is a good time simply to be still and know. I can regain a conscious awareness of my true nature as Spirit, and you can, too, as I remove my attention from the mental activity of thinking and instead become rooted in being. Remember, we are human beings, not human doings.

Happiness and peace arise in me when I step out of the movement of thought and simply let myself be, opening to the quiet presence within. In this attitude of thoughtless presence, I am not forgetting or negating my current experiences. Rather I am seeing how much deeper I am than my personal story: I am rising above it. Through entering the silence of the present moment and simply being in it, I discover the true essence of my being.

A significant value of cultivating present moment awareness is the creativity that arises from it. The ideas, actions, and inspirations that spring from this awareness are the seeds of healing and peace. As I enter the quiet, inner space of my own beingness, something transcendent is bubbles up. Spiritual consciousness comes alive in my heart and mind, and the ‘I Am’ presence opens its mysteries of divine wisdom and love within me.

Try it; go within right now and allow the holy presence within to speak to you of your wholeness and perfection. Be still and know.

Mindfulness

From the SOM daily reading for 11/12, I’m finally getting around to sharing it! “It would be a wonderful experiment if the world [or even just me or you] would try to solve all of its [our] problems through the power of Spirit.”

The less I distinguish the spiritual realm from the material, the better off I am. Religion means to ‘bind back.’ Often this is taken to mean adhering to certain moral precepts and staying on the straight and narrow. But it means more than that. With every one of my thoughts, feelings and actions, I am binding to world back to its essence as spirit.

I’ve been taught that the way to succeed in life is to ferret out spiritual truth from amid the rubbish of material falsehood. This sets me to sorting, judging and weighing each component of my life for its spiritual worth – a very personal exercise, not to mention endless and unrewarding because I give as much power to what I’m sorting out as in, and so my energy dwindles. Being mindful is just simple awareness without sorting and judging. Being mindful, I can watch the binding back process at work, and see how I create meaning and experience from spirit.

If it’s all good and all God as I truly believe, why not be mindful, love what is (as Byron Katie says) - good or bad [after all, what seems good now may turn out not so good, and what seems bad now, may turn out quite good] and wrap spirit and matter up as one. Then, holding it all lightly, I can choose to be mindful and know it’s all good and all God and focus my mind and heart on what my heart and intuition guide me to.

This mindfulness process heals the sense of separation which is the only thing that really needs healing anyhow. And when my oneness with source is clearly known, that knowing and sense of peace, calm and loving what is, is reflected back in the material realm of daily doings. When I bet it all on black – live from the space of responsible, victimless, mindful oneness, not only is my own life better, but I’m contributing to building a world that works for everyone and everything.

Mindfulness

From the SOM daily reading for 11/12, I’m finally getting around to sharing it! “It would be a wonderful experiment if the world [or even just me or you] would try to solve all of its [our] problems through the power of Spirit.”

The less I distinguish the spiritual realm from the material, the better off I am. Religion means to ‘bind back.’ Often this is taken to mean adhering to certain moral precepts and staying on the straight and narrow. But it means more than that. With every one of my thoughts, feelings and actions, I am binding to world back to its essence as spirit.

I’ve been taught that the way to succeed in life is to ferret out spiritual truth from amid the rubbish of material falsehood. This sets me to sorting, judging and weighing each component of my life for its spiritual worth – a very personal exercise, not to mention endless and unrewarding because I give as much power to what I’m sorting out as in, and so my energy dwindles. Being mindful is just simple awareness without sorting and judging. Being mindful, I can watch the binding back process at work, and see how I create meaning and experience from spirit.

If it’s all good and all God as I truly believe, why not be mindful, love what is (as Byron Katie says) - good or bad [after all, what seems good now may turn out not so good, and what seems bad now, may turn out quite good] and wrap spirit and matter up as one. Then, holding it all lightly, I can choose to be mindful and know it’s all good and all God and focus my mind and heart on what my heart and intuition guide me to.

This mindfulness process heals the sense of separation which is the only thing that really needs healing anyhow. And when my oneness with source is clearly known, that knowing and sense of peace, calm and loving what is, is reflected back in the material realm of daily doings. When I bet it all on black – live from the space of responsible, victimless, mindful oneness, not only is my own life better, but I’m contributing to building a world that works for everyone and everything.

Gratitude

“If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice,” said the 13th century mystic Meister Echart, and he was correct. Gratitude is a powerful creative act. It is less an ending to a successful transaction and more the seed planter for all the exchanges of energy that follow it. Gratitude is proactive. When I feel it, I am not thanking any god or goddess, the way one would send a thank you note, I am declaring that right now, before anything has come to pass, I choose to stand in an attitude of arms-wide welcoming to a new reality. Being grateful in advance, embodies the new state or condition I am inviting, to allow it and lay down a carpet of thanks.

And so I am grateful for the great good present, but sleeping in the collective consciousness of the USA, even as I seek to awaken it to a greater flourishing. I gratefully release the following blocks to our goodness, knowing that our good will then manifest.

According to the Monitor, the US now accounts for 75% of NATO defense spending, up from just under half a decade ago, and still going up. Are we getting our money’s worth? Do we want to spend our money on this or something else?

Something else: in both two year and higher earned degrees, we have dropped from our formerly dominant position to 18th of 35 nations with the largest economies. We are the only nation of this group that is not increasing the percentage of degree holders. This impacts our ability to compete worldwide and even to take care of ourselves. 53% of future jobs will require an AA degree or higher. Yet only 68.8% of our youth are graduating from high school, with only 40% directly entering college, and 27% earning a 4 year degree.

In the recent election, Oklahoma voters gave what Leonard Pitts described as, “emphatic approval to a measure outlawing Sharia law – a strict and often brutal interpretation of Islamic religious strictures – in state courts. Sharia is not known to be a problem in Oklahoma, or anywhere else in the US, something even the bill’s backers concede.

“We move through a perilous time that demands serious consideration of serious issues, but we, profoundly unserious people that we are, fret instead about saving Oklahoma from Sharia law, solving a problem we do not and will not have,” while the serious problems go a-glimmering. “Thoughtful people ought to be alarmed.”

Who benefits from this state of affairs, from the status quo? How is it this small minority manages to keep the rest us at bay, losing ground while they prosper at our expense, and we could all, together, build a world that works for everyone and everything?

“One recalls,” Pitts says, “how Bush stood beneath a banner that crowed of a victory against terrorism. But to the degree Oklahoma accurately reflects our national mindset, it is the terrorists [and their domestic fear-mongering allies found more in one party than the other] who deserve to hoist that banner. America is scared stupid. Mission accomplished.”

Philanthropy

Yesterday I wrote - Light has the power to overcome darkness; not by combating darkness, but by being exactly what it is: light. The light of love is always present, even when it does not at first appear. The eternal light shines in the life of each of us, even in times that seem darkest, like now. So here’s something for us to be proud of, a way the light is shining right now.

“With wealth comes responsibility to help make the world a better place,” Ted Turner said. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett agree. According to the Christian Science Monitor’s 11/22 issue, these attitudes “represent a particularly American vision of the common good – one that includes proclaiming a cause with all the moral fervor of an evangelist. It’s a vision that highlights stark differences between this country and the rest of the world. Even in today’s harsh economic climate, Americans as a whole gave about $304 billion in 2009, but that’s down from $315 billion in 2008.

“When Alexis de Tocqueville observed the peculiar traits of an emerging American society in the 1830’s, he noticed how Americans struggled to find a balance between their unprecedented commitment to individual liberty and the needs of the common good. It’s a struggle that continues, in many ways to define American political discourse to this day.”

De Tocqueville noted that Americans formed “voluntary associations” as a way to bridge the gap between the common good and the commitment to individual liberty. “Rooted in a deep ambivalence about the sweeping power of government,” these voluntary associations worked well for a long time.

But here’s where the light begins to fade and the darkness seeps in. Voluntary associations seem to be fading, see the book “Bowling Alone,” and transforming with the internet, so that more and more individuals are abdicating their responsibility for the common good, practically abandoning it to government at all levels and for profit corporations running prisons and hospitals, that used to be a community responsibility.

As this ‘professionalization’ of the common good has gone forward, costs have gone up, as might be expected, and starting with Proposition 13 in California, Americans are experiencing a tax revolt, as people refuse to pay for professional services and at the same time refuse to take responsibility for providing them. So, the common good goes begging. Corporations won’t do it for nothing, government can’t raise the money to pay for it and the private associations are disappearing.

If de Tocqueville were to come again, he would note that the struggle to balance the common good and individual liberty is being lost; deep ambivalence toward the sweeping power of government and the commitment to individual liberty is gaining and the common good is losing. So while philanthropy is a shining light and Americans lead the world in it, unfortunately we are in great need of it and it will never replace what is being lost as government retreats and private associations disappear.

But a little light, it need not be this way. We can still find ways to balance the common good and individual liberty, we can still build a world that works for everyone and everything.

Hannukah

I was planning to be more “positive” today. I’ve got an article on philanthropy from the Monitor I wanted to share and a great article from November’s SOM – Science of Mind, magazine. However, between the Wiki Leaks on Afghanistan and the President’s proposal to freeze Federal employee pay, and his refusal to stand up to the Republican terrorists and represent his amazingly silent middle class constituency, I’m rarin’ to rant again.

But before I do, the SOM reading for today by Kathy Juline, will add some balance and indeed get at my spiritual truth, and I hope yours as well, the truth I really want to actualize. She begins with this from the SOM text: “Light has the power to overcome darkness; not by combating darkness, but by being exactly what it is: light.” That is what I want to remember, actualize and live by; and probably, if you reflect on it, which is my hope, you do, too.

I want to know that the light of love is always present, even when it does not at first appear. The eternal light, which is the message of Hanukkah which begins today, shines in the life of each of us, even in times that seem darkest, like now. Today’s affirmation: I allow the light that dwells eternally within me to reveal the truth of my oneness and wholeness. So alright, now for the rant, but done with the belief that it, too, reveals the ever-present light and in so doing, allows us to be more aware of that light and thus dissipate the seeming darkness.

It seems we’ve got a pretty clear choice between taking care of ourselves here in the good old US of A, or throwing our money away in Afghan. Only our political so-called leaders, including Obama, don’t seem to see that choice clearly, even with the big deficits they say they’re so concerned about.

As I’ve posted before, the vast bulk of info available about Afghan, now augmented by the Wiki Leaks, is that tho we are doing somewhat better militarily, that success is irrelevant and will not lead to over all success for a number of reasons. First, the official Afghan so-called government is no government at all, at least by our standards. It can not protect it’s citizens, run an honest election, or keep from taking bribes – which after all if we weren’t so arrogant about our way of looking at the world, we would realize is just a normal, acceptable way of doing business there.

Second, this so-called government along with our so-called intelligence guided generals and diplomats negotiated with and gave lot’s of money to someone who was supposed to be the second in command of the Taliban, but who turned out to be an imposter who absconded with the money.

Third and related to number two, the Taliban is not a unitary monolithic force but a lose alliance of various points of view and levels of commitment. In other words, no single person can speak for it or negotiate with it, because there is no “it.”

Then, fourth, there’s Karzai himself said to be a manic depressive off his meds and a ‘patriot’ who doesn’t want foreigners in his country, tho it’s OK for him and his so-called government to take money, and lot’s of it, from Iran.

Fifth, our so-called counter insurgency strategy, endorsed by General Petreus and all our High Level Decision Makers, admits the country cannot be secured solely by military means and requires we have a viable civilian authority to work with, which given points one thru four above, is clearly not present now and seems like it never will be.
Six, we are also working with repressive, nasty ‘war lords,’ who are playing all sides against each other.

So now The Powers That Be want to not give Federal employees a raise for two years. These same compassionate Powers want to cut your, and mine, Medicare and Social Security. All while we spend enough in the Afghan to solve all our problems here. The choice is clear. Not only are you and I already sacrificing for this useless, no-win foreign adventure, but The Powers That Be want us to make even greater sacrifices and cut deeper. I say enough, and I invite you to join me and also say “Enough!”

Enough of the so-called War on Terror and the, “We’ve got to fight them there, so we don’t have to fight them over here,” bull shit. Enough! After 243 marines were killed in their sleep by a terrorist attack, Ronald Reagan pulled our troops out of Lebanon. After the so-called Paris Peace Talks, we declared victory, which we could have done at any time, and pulled out of Nam, leaving the country to the so-called communists. Let’s do that now, in the Afghan. We can no longer afford guns and butter. The choice is stark and clear. Eliminate the deficit and solve our problems here at one stroke and exit Afghanistan as quickly and decently as possible.